Grief Has Many Faces

Grief is hard…

My friend's father died recently.

Though he had been quite ill for an extended period of time, that was a very difficult day.

She was heartbroken and lost, of course.

I watched her crumble into her childhood self.

What does life without Dad look like?

Did I learn enough from him?

How will I celebrate milestones if he isn't there?

I still had things to do that would have made him proud!

I didn't know her father very well, but she is my dear friend, and I felt the weight of this great loss in her life. Her grief touched the grief of my father's death 17 years ago. My heart hurt, and my tears flowed with hers. Whether grief comes unexpectedly or if it has been a long-anticipated struggle, there is that moment when life shifts. The emptiness is huge, and your world is forever altered. It seems strange to look out and see so many people rushing by as if nothing has changed. But for those who are grieving, everything has changed. As my family traveled to the cemetery 41 years ago, after my mother's funeral, I remember wishing the world would just pause for one moment and take a breath because the world was forever changed. My Mama was gone. This is one piece I have tucked away in my grief box.

My grief surfaces when I revisit that memory. But it also helps me see that I did survive that immense pain, as well as many other times of darkness and loss. Maybe that is how we are able to walk with friends in their grief, saying without words, "I see and share your pain. I will help you carry this heavy load." It's a gentle sharing.

My friend's father passed away peacefully on the same day the horrific Texas floods stole the light from many families. Though thousands of people perish every day, this kind of concentrated loss in a community is unimaginable. We can't fathom what that feels like. We don't even want to try. It makes no sense. Our hearts can't bear to think of tragedy on this scale. I held my breath, praying for a miraculous outcome with all the children being rescued. Those of us who know no one directly involved still feel the weight of this great loss. It touches our grief that we've stored in our grief boxes from our losses.

When grief strikes, we don't want to let go of what was. We have no interest in living a new way without what we once held dear. So, we carry a piece of it everywhere we go.

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Below is a sampling of grief that has personally touched me and my circle of love.

I could write a heart-wrenching story about each one. Your list will look different.

Grief has many faces…

~ A young girl whose mother died of cancer.

~ A teen boy whose father died in a work accident.

~ A young woman whose fiancé died in a single-car wreck.

~ New parents whose child was stillborn.

~ An expectant mother whose husband and young daughter were killed by a drunk driver.

~ Families whose youngest sibling passed away from cancer.

~ Parents who lost a teenager to accidental overdose.

~ Classmates whose close friend committed suicide.

~ College friends who saw one of their own burned to death at a bonfire.

Grief also lives under masks worn by victims of…

~ Debilitating illness

~ Unemployment

~ Addiction

~ Divorce

~ Shame

~ Gossip and Bullying

~ Bankruptcy

~ Loss of Purpose

~ Failure

Grief boxes come in all shapes and sizes…

~ Tucked in our heart

~ Behind closed doors

~ Displayed on the walls

~ Spoken in every conversation

~ Wrapped in our constant thoughts

~ Spooned into food and drink

~ Strapped into exercise and busyness

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Every time grief strikes, we are forced to walk unfamiliar, challenging pathways. We don't want to navigate this journey, but we must. For if we don't, we are stuck in a place of dark, nothingness. In this week's Daily Readings, we've been following a great example in the story of Israel (formerly named Jacob), Joseph, and his brothers in the Book of Genesis. Take some time with the full story and see the different ways the family members grieve.

Grief propels us into Pilgrimage…

We are made into pilgrims as we begin living in a new space with a fresh coat of grief. We must decide how we will move, breathe, survive, acknowledge our pain, honor what was lost, and find peace and healing. Pilgrims make long, difficult journeys seeking truth, meaning, purpose, and wholeness to fill the void.

Pilgrimages have different views…

A grief pilgrimage always has an underlying spiritual component. Whether we want to run away from God because He allowed this great loss that has caused grief to overtake us, or if we are running to God seeking a miracle, only God can fill the void. The view depends on you. Simply taking a walk outside to receive fresh air and divert our eyes from the reminder of our loss brings healing. We can take a trip, participate in a retreat, volunteer at a local charity, take up a cause relevant to our loss, learn a new activity or hobby. Do whatever draws your heart to God for healing from the pain and darkness.

Pope Leo XVI recently spoke of the importance of a Pilgrimage:

"A pilgrimage has a vital part to play in our life of faith, for it removes us from our homes and our daily routines, and gives us time and space to encounter God more deeply."

On a pilgrimage propelled by grief, we are removed from our comfort zones, ripped from what's familiar — something or someone we depended on is now gone. The memories become a lifeline to what was. We add it to our grief box and make the pilgrimage with God. It takes time to heal. He will open opportunities to feel His love and grow, and be restored from sorrow to true joy.

Grief is personal. It is as unique as each of us.

We experience grief differently despite suffering the same or similar loss. But we can help each other carry it. We need to reach out to each other, offering friendship and accepting friendship, being present to one another. Jesus speaks of how we can love our neighbor and care for their wounds in His teaching on The Greatest Commandment and the Good Samaritan Parable this Sunday. His words apply to the wounds of grief, also.

Embrace your pilgrimage with courage and grace. You are not alone.

Meet God there. He brings the light to our darkness.

In the tender compassion of our God, the dawn from on high shall break upon us, to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace. ~ from The Benedictus Prayer

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May the Peace of Christ be with each of you. And as my dear friend, Terry S, always reminds me;

~ Be gentle with your heart. ~

United with you all in prayer,

Monica

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